Whoopy! Ruthy gets her computer and cell phone in the hit TV show 7th Heaven after her little persuasive talk about being “normal” and how everyone else has it, and it’s true. Though I do agree that the term normal is so overrated.

Everyone has a computer and apparently even junior high school students are obtaining the power of the hand-on wireless I get to talk to you wherever-I-want cell phone. Indeed these high-tech products have enhanced our lives in many ways though it became so involve with our lives that it seems we could no longer live without it. Just imagine one day without your computer nor your phone, scary isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong now, I love my computer and my trust-worthy internet access, God bless Earthlink but such love can only go so far. We are the ones who runs and control our computer yet it seems its overrunning us. There are people out there who spends their time on their computer 24/7. Even my best friend’s ten year old little sister can’t detach herself from the screen with Neopets and Maple Story. For the older kids, it would be Starcraft and Counter-Strike or whatever other games out there that I obviously have no idea about.

Who are you? You or just another person define by how many hours they are on on their computer? In the start of the 21st century, we have lost the essence of the incredible warmth being with one another. Yes we have acheived alot wtih our handy dandy cpu but sadly we have lost the purpose, the joy it brings having the company of others.

Are you going to continue this reckless time-consuming addiction?
I’m not.

There were so many times I have been hurt, disappointed and confused when someone whom I love very much, never seems to care. Today I was in the same situation again, though this time I was not the victim. My brother had been going through some rough times lately and seemingly I was unable to be there for him. More so, I do not know how.

I have always insisted that when you love someone, naturally you would have a desire to care for them and be there for them. I was wrong. I know I care about my brother but why am I still the way that I am? Luckily I do have an answer.

I remember about a year ago when I was watching the news on channel 11, strangely my mother had not come home yet. A bit worry I called her work place, no one picked up. To my benefit, her work place was only a couple of blocks away. Constantly calling, about three blocks she finally picked up!! What a relief. That was the moment I knew I love my mom. Even so, a week ago due to some stress at work my mother cried out to me. I care so much about her yet at that moment I really didn’t want to hear it.

I love my mom yet because of my own personal problems it caused me to block out my surroundings and to the people whom I truely care about. This is not an excuse because I am guilty, guilty for my neglections.

Was there ever a time when someone you love seems like they don’t care about you?Was there even the slightest doubt that they do not love you anymore?
If so, think again maybe they do. Because like me…
I am not guilty for not loving my mother because I do, instead I am guilty for my selfishness.

As I was watching an old anime today, Hikaru No Go, one of the main characters Sai concluded his own existance. He is a ghost who only Hikaru, another main character is capable to interact with. Long before Hikaru, there was another person named Shuusake which was enable the same powers. Shuusake’s main purpose of life existed solely for the sake of Sai and in the other hand, Sai’s main purpose of life existed solely for Hikaru.

If our life is merely an existant for another, then who am I living for? Why am I brought here in this time and age? And you, why are you here? What brought you here in the presence of my blog and thoughts, for as much as it is for you, I maybe more too is here for my desolated comtemplation?

Throughout most of my relationships they have all said one thing in common, I have high expectations that they cannot meet. Usually, I’ll move on and blame it on the fact that I’m a women yet today I have begun to realize that men are just the same. It is in our human nature to have a higher expectation when we are led to a higher level, whether in love, life or everything in between.

I used to have an ex-boyfriend who cannot take a joke. He would always take it the wrong way like I’m purposely trying to get him pissed off but me being the bigger person that I am, would usually apologize and drop the subject. I never really understood why he took my jokes so seriously especially when I have always been like this, before and after we dated. Now I know; as a friend I have no obligations whatsoever of what I say in consideration but once I became his girlfriend, he expected me to respect him as my boyfriend. I was no longer who I am but what I’m suppose to be in his perspective. I cannot blame him because I too had my shared of expectations.

Do you think it’s okay to have expectations even though it’s inevitable?
If so, where do we draw the line when it comes to expectations?

Last week I had many dreams, though the strange thing was I was dreaming about the same person for four nights in a row - my ex-boyfriend known in my entry Worth. I woke up in fear, really. In fear that I might still be indwell in what used to be known as us. Truely I really had liked him alot, enough to even think about marrying him but now it’s a different story. What made it even more difficult was the fact that I see him at least five times a week, FIVE TIMES (We actually work together), fustrated and confuse with something I don’t even know what I should be confuse about in the first place. Ah, the wonders.

Three days I ago I dreamt about my current “boyfriend” and just yesterday I dreamt about another ex-boyfriend. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not another psychotic sex maniac online, actually none of my dreams were anything sexual (I was surprise too, hehe) but it has given me a sense of comfort I haven’t had in awhile.

What I really wanted to say was that alot of times our mind tends to play games with us. After we analyze everything at our best, we tend to simplify down to what’s “unknown” to us. In most cases as myself, we filled them with what I like to call *imagination* and others may sometimes call it as “assumptions“, but alot of times I heard it being called “accusations.” I have come to my senses to learn just how to wait and see, I’m still living with the unknowns so what makes me think I can’t live without it? There isn’t an answer to everything, but if there is, there’s a huge possiblity you wouldn’t even understand.

Life is short live a little.

As I was watching Sex And The City the other night (which according to my friend, the poisoning of young adolenscence girls mind everywhere), Carrie and the girls were talking about their relationships and how each and every one of them has something call a “pattern” in their love life.  I too have a pattern.

I would always, always take my relationship very serious and most of the time top priority.  This should have been a good quality of mine but I chose to use it at the wrong time expecting others were capable to be the same.  Oh, was I wrong.  I’m not sure have I yet learned from my mistakes but the relationship that I am in at this moment has disable me to be like how I normally would be - a sucker for love. He frankly put it, between us there is no future and sadly, I agreed also.  I had limit myself in this relationship to protect myself and probably him as well, the sadness from the inevitable seperation to come.

I had broke my pattern and yes, I am content.
Though a part of me, miss having the warmth of love or even just having someone to love in general.  I miss the feeling to love and be loved. I really do.